The End of An Era

So, today, I am writing my last ever blog entry. I am not Dougie fucking Howser. I am not of the techno generation. I apply real life to the www and it doesn’t work.

We will still have wifi. I don’t think children can really do well with homework anymore without the encyclopaedic content of the internet. We will need to look things up. Realistically, I will need research access. I will need professional e mail.

But, I don’t need the rest. Real people, if they WANT to be in touch, are perfectly welcome to telephone, to write, or to visit. This is what used to happen, and it was happy. Now, e mail obliges people, FB is just so contrived, I can’t really tell what anyone means. And I find it very difficult to read too.

I used to like my life, before it had so much tech in it. When I would chat to people, see people, do real things, and only show photos to real people who actually asked to see them!

When, if I had a bad day, it was probably cos I was having a bad day. Now, everything I do that doesn’t fit the tech world can be written off as a MH problem. Before, my MH problem was something that rarely impacted on my social life. Now, it’s ALL that most people see, and that’s wrong. Not only socially, and morally, but also factually.

In tech world there is no need for fun, and fun is what I need most. Even those people I *thought* were close friends from the www are not really. They would rather NOT do real life fun things, at least, with me. This is not self pity, it’s a valid choice. It doesn’t really work for my plans to share my fun and celebratory occasions. They have so many people that they need to make a queue of available conversing time. I don’t want to clutter up anyone’s schedule.

I kind of thought, the www could make it easier to share fun things with people you consider friends, even if they are far away. I tried this. I tried to share my search for a new SO. You know, in the way that with real life friends I might have done in the pub. But no one is interested. And this is OK, what is not OK is the way that the www means it is much easier to ignore someone’s lack of interest, and keep bothering them anyway. The internet is NOT essentially, a bigger pub.

I was told, by a professor, when I was mid way through the breakdown that distinguished my Unipolar experience, and created Bipolar, that I would do better, if I didn’t need so much hand holding. I took this to heart. I got through my life independently. Until I had constant access to the www. But, I do not need handholding. I don’t NEED any one.

I was worrying that I am teaching my children or social habits. But teaching them to enjoy real people, but never to rely on them, that’s not unhealthy. Plus, they have something I never did, and still do not. A mother. So, if they can’t be independent. If they NEED a person, I will be there.

I am sorry for those times I have crowbarred myself into someone on the www’s life. I don’t understand. I thought I was making life long close friends, but I had failed to understand the www. It could be embarrassing, but really it’s just  a thing I can learn better. I am upset with myself, all the things I didn’t notice, so busy have I been being grateful for the headline contact, but there have been so many clues that I don’t know how to interact. I cannot teach my children this.

I don’t think I have ever felt so empty, and that is purely because I don’t learn.  In a few days, this will go and I will get my ice chip pebble heart back. I deserved to end this when it seemed possible that it could be done for me. Why, WHY would anyone EVER advise me to be entirely alone, when it means nothing? WHY bother? For this?

So, as an information service, it works well for us. AS a social medium, not so much.

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