Things that worry me tend to be circular. They come around again and again.
This means that, for the most part, I can’t share them. if I can’t resolve them, then I must try and swallow them. But they will come round again. Either that, or, they are just things that actually are things that come around again.
Currently, this means, teeth. I am worrying abut my teeth.
I am pretty sure I have trouble with my teeth. They are not quite painful yet. But they are not right. I know that this is because I spend most days now, making time to damage them. This is because I can’t manage my life a different way. At least, not on my own. They are kind of achey. J expected me to get my teeth checked last week. I can’t.
Today, I have been told that, since it is true that I should not exist, I should give up trying to exist, and devote my time to the children only. Because, every single day I have is an unexpected bonus.
Tomorrow is the last time I have invited people at the house.
Today is the last day pretending I am a real, actual person.
It won’t be about blogging or sharing or not. it will simply be accepting. And letting go.
This. This being here and feeling this, is too hard for me. So I ignore feelings. There are none anymore.
This is fairly recurring. But it recurs differently. MY need to find a solution. There HAS to be a solution.
Paddington makes the solution seem so easy. Find a new place to fit in, a new set of people, home, belonging.
It is not out there. I was told today, that, it is believed that my aristophanean search is done. The person I am looking for is already dead anyway. This saves me a job I guess.
No one can replace that for anyone. And, I don’t know anyone who can even recognise the missing.
So. OK. From now on, it is time to embrace the emptiness. I have put my last big effort in. And, I wish. I *wish* I couldn’t see the world, to know that the things I wish exist for people I can’t see have done *so* much more. They must be better. I trust that they are. But, I can’t see how *I* can be good enough to have those things. So, I don’t want to see that they exist.