I think music is important. I am often sad that I never learnt to play an instrument. I have picked up a few, and got basic tunes easily, but, this is not what I mean. I mean playing well enough to put feelings in to the playing.

I have this picture of wanting to sit in my home, and playing music that is not painful to listen to, but which can reach me, and be a way of sharing something beyond words. But also, something which is an”at home” thing. So, particularly comfortable and even shared with family. Even contributed to. I used to go visit with people who played music together as a family, it felt comfortable.

I think music is something that is truly missing to me.

of course, there are the neurological benefits. Music reaches your brain, and fires synapses in a very similar way to learning a new language. Well, I know I can learn a new language. Can I learn a new language the way music is a new language?

There is the joy in making progress. Learning music has stages. There are exams that can prove to me that I progress. So, it is not just down to my own perception, which is often flawed and self defeating.

These are thoughts that have been in my head for most of my life. I thought, originally, that I most wanted to learn the trumpet. But, I can’t. I mean, I can pick up the clarinet and make it sound vaguely OK, but I can’t really manage the breathing things so well. And, it is stuck in the past of me being a small child who played the recorder because no choices could be made. No real lessons. No grown up music. I don’t want to choose because it is a step up, and I might be able to do it on my own with a book. I want to choose something because it is a sound I want to make. Because I want to learn. I also want to choose something that I can completely engage with, that ALL of me is involved in. I know what that is.

I want to need to take an hour out of my life every week to do something that is something I want to do, that uses my mind, that I can see is improving how I feel about how  spend all my time, and which will, eventually give me a new ability to do something enjoyable in my own home life. Also, something that I can practise in short, small bursts and still get better. So, it is a realistic fit into my life.

There is also the teaching of small people that starting from a point of not knowing is OK, because, you practise and then you get better.

I also want my children to want to engage with music. Engaging with it myself my help them see it is a good thing.

I have a lot of ideas. A lot of things I want to do. And they are often begun, and fewer are completed. This is shameful. But, I think, when you invest in something, pay for lessons, buy into exams, it’s incentive. Seeing progress, and having a goal, that all helps. I have never *chosen* to give up on something like that. And this is also something that fits into my life without meaning I have to give up other of my current projects.


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