Round and round and round it goes.
Same old same old.
I make similar kinds of resolutions every year. Usually in October, but…
This year, they are different. Do the same, get the same. And all that kind of thing.
So, maybe I mean round and round the same, or maybe I mean upturning the usual status quo. Some way, is revolution…
This year, as we head into a new year, we are walking into a world that is actually, considerably changed. A world in which family means even less. In which nothing holds this disparate group of *maybe* genetically connected people together. The loss is the universe letting go of us.
So, for me, as I shape my life newly, without this holding point, without the last hand grip into something bigger, resolutions take on a different kind of meaning. I am much more able to let go of things and change things. There is no sense of tradition or things that must be. This is frightening, but, refreshing.
I *have* failed. I have failed to build a family. I have failed to cultivate close friendships. She knew how to do both. To reach people and touch people. I do not. Not in a good connective way.
I can’t stick at this point though. Dwell.
So, I accept this about myself. I *will* use the opportunity to say goodbye. I will be sad. I will have huge loss. But this is normal.
My resolution this year, is to walk into the future. Alone. And accept the alone ness. I have no expectation that there are friends who will care about anything. I have no family. I will not fall for ideas which might help me feel less alone, because I will never again be susceptible to people walking away, even if they make the suggestions.
I will keep reading abut ASD. I will TRY not to be such a bad parent. I will try and help my children.
And, I will not look for any other people.
I keep a nice new beautiful real book journal. If I have thoughts that need rubic’s cube treatment to make sense. No other sharing is required.
Luckily I don’t drink or smoke, so, I have nothing much else to give up. I could do with weighing less. I know, she would not approve of how I look. But, you know, there is no one to notice anyway.
I will be attempting 40for40. But, I am happy to know for myself what I achieve. No one else has to validate me.